Personal Pandoricas

I recently read a blog post by Paul Chek on Happiness, and a concept called Buddha’s cage. And while I can’t speak for everyone, Happiness is a pretty big thing for me, so Paul’s post got my attention, and after a day of pondering, I think I’d like to share.

 In his post Paul wrote something that really resonated with me:

“I’ve found that a huge amount of people’s inability to create sustainable happiness in their lives is because they allow themselves to be governed by other people’s opinions and expectations at the expense of their own.”

Captain Mal Reynolds

I’ve been a people-pleaser all of my life and it wasn’t until the last few years, that I recognized this and discovered that it could be extremely unhealthy. So when I read this statement, I thought: I know exactly how that goes, and unlike floral bonnets, it usually ain’t pretty.

Chek then went on to describe what he teaches to be a Buddha’s cage: limitations created from attaching our sense of personal happiness to mental, etheric, emotional or physical experiences or expectations. 

A Great way to remember these elements is by acronym: MEEP.
Which of course reminds me of Road Runner: Meep Meep.

As a result these limitations end up closing us in, not only creating a false sense of happiness, but also acting as a barrier to reaching true happiness, or reaching personal potential.  Paul Chek’s diagram of a Buddha’s cage looks like this:

My first thoughts and reactions to this picture took a while to develop, as my brain sifted and scanned through everything I know (or think) is true and ways to analyze and connect with the information presented to me, and find a sci-fi equivalent. My first “search result” in my brain was this:

A Pandorica. 

For you Whovians, this might give you an idea where I’m going. Everyone else, please bear with me: This image depicts more than just a box.

In the universe of Doctor Who, at one point, all of the Doctor’s foes form an alliance to create the ultimate prison for the most dangerous person in the universe. Or at least who they consider to be the most dangerous person in the universe: The Doctor. This prison, the Pandorica, is equipped with every type of barrier to keep the Doctor in: deadlocks, time stops, matter lines, and a restoration field to prevent escape by death. The Pandorica is indeed a comprehensive prison.

The Buddha’s cage Chek describes is actually very similar. The cage people tend to build around themselves is just as comprehensive including the mental, emotion, etheric and physical limitations (MEEP MEEP). But unlike the Pandorica, outside enemies are not the creators of such a prison, but in fact, the creator of our Buddha’s cage is none other than our greatest inner foe: ourselves. 

And it’s really easy to start building a Buddha’s Cage or what I like to call a Personal Pandorica. Most people, whether they know it or not, already have one, and some determined souls have found a way to break free. The types of limitations that create a cage on your happiness and personal growth can develop out of anything and everything from the perceptions and expectations of others (this can be anyone: family, friends, co-workers, professors, strangers), to your emotions and/or emotional ties to expectations of others (such as getting approval from those you admire), to physical limitations such as body-weight, self-perception, or past injuries; There are infinite sources of material to build bars or walls.

The Next Step: Escaping your Pandorica

As with most things, the first step is awareness, now that you’re aware of the limitations you have imposed, or have allowed others to impose on yourself, what do you do next?

In my personal experience, it takes time to break down these barriers, but as soon as you discover them, the demolition process can begin. It wasn’t until about a little over a year ago that I started to discover the limitations I had imposed on myself for most of my life. I’m now working towards breaking down 25 years of limitations and negative thoughts that hindered me in attaining happiness, moving forward and approaching life’s next big adventure. 

So how to plan your escape:

Scofield from Prison Break

Well first you get a full body tattoo of the prison you want to escape from since your brother Lincoln... Oh wait, sorry, wrong show...

In my personal opinion, the story line of the Pandorica, and the tale of Rory and Amy (The Pandorica and the Roman soldier) in Doctor Who is one of the greatest love stories ever. I also think that escaping Buddha’s Cages and Personal Pandoricas also requires the same element of love, but applied differently: self-love and a developed sense of self-worth. 

When we are young and we need others to make decisions for us, we rely on the perceptions and expectations of others to guide us to safety, and to the right choices. However, when one graduates from a child to an adult, there is also a need to graduate from relying on the opinions and expectations of others to, trusting oneself to make the decisions. As an adult, no one knows you and what’s going on in your life better than you, particularly in terms of what makes you happy. And many times others won’t be able to understand all of the challenges that you face. As a result, the expectations and opinions of others are not always going to align with what you think, like, want, or most importantly, need. This doesn’t mean you can’t still ask for advice or listen to the recommendations of others, but it does mean you can’t let others set the standards for your happiness. As soon as you let others decide what will determine what makes you happy, the door to your cage or Pandorica is as good as locked. Oops.

So next time you feel your happiness being threatened or being absent, ask yourself:  Is it because of what others think of you? Or what someone told you? Why does their opinion matter? How do you know they are telling the truth? If you think they are telling the truth, is it the absolute truth? Or just how they see it? What will their opinion matter six months from now? A year? 10 years? Are they setting the standards for your happiness? Why?

I find these types of questions to be extremely helpful. The biggest gray area I have is when professional opinions or advice is given. These professionals have experience and knowledge that I don’t, but at the same time, it doesn’t mean they know everything, especially about me. The most difficult area of my personal Pandorica to deconstruct is the limitations that come the expectations of family and close friends: I want them to be happy, but when I let them set the standards of my happiness, my life turns into a lab of gloom and doom where things go boom.

This kind of oxygen mask.

Someone once told me that surviving life is like surviving a plane crash: You must put on your own oxygen mask first before you can help others put theirs on.

Not this kind of Oxygen Mask.

This principle suggests that once you have your own oxygen mask on you will be able to help others, many more so than if you yourself were running out of oxygen in the process. Likewise, once figure out your own happiness, you can help others find theirs, many more so than if you yourself were unhappy.